Reflecting on the Pandemic: 11 things I learned during lockdown…
As a Licensed Thrive Programme Coach for many years now, as well as somebody who went through the programme myself 5 or 6 years ago when I was struggling, it feels almost a bit too obvious to start this article by saying ‘people have been finding lockdown tough’.
It’s not simply been ‘tough’. It’s a global pandemic, we’ve had once-in-a-lifetime regional, national and international lockdowns, and it’s something that has affected the home life, work life, social life, and individual freedoms not just of one group, but of pretty much every country in the world. So there’s bound to be a few wellbeing repercussions.
I wanted to write this article to use some of what I’ve seen with clients, former clients, family members, friends and – sometimes – total strangers too, to give you 11 top tips for helping to get yourself back on track again, if you haven’t fared well during lockdowns yourself and are worrying about how you might fare if they happened again…
1. Managing uncertainty and a lack of control is vital
How in control we feel of our lives – not just in terms of being able to control what’s happening IN them, but being able to control our reactions and emotions (and take helpful actions) when things DON’T go to plan, is hugely important to our wellbeing. It’s probably one of the most important things really. And during an unexpected global pandemic, huge and very sudden adjustments are having to be made. If you can’t rely on your own coping skills when life throws you some pretty large lemons, plenty of research suggests you are going to react with emotions like despair, depression, and anxiety.
This seems to have been a HUGE issue for people during the pandemic, because guess what, you’re not in control of this virus, or whatever new Government restriction might suddenly be imposed (and potentially disrupt your life) from one week to the next - and you may not even agree with what your local authority is doing to try to manage the spread of the virus. This is why learning (and sometimes RE-learning) emotional coping skills when things DON’T go our way or aren’t predictable is so important.
I live on the south coast in Bournemouth (UK) and during the summer months when thousands were flooding the beaches, breaking lockdown restrictions left right and centre, I admittedly felt frustrated myself! WHY couldn’t people just do what was asked of them?! I even saw and heard arguments breaking out about just that. But the reality is, we aren’t in control of what other people do or don’t do. We just have to adapt. So either I need to go for a walk/drive somewhere far less populated, stick up for myself and ask people to socially distance (and accept that they may not!), or not go out. Getting annoyed that people aren’t doing what I want them to do won’t help – or change – anything…! But coping with whatever I face? Much more predictable.
(if you’re interested in finding out how powerful your own thinking is at the moment, take our FREE online assessment here to get your own personal report!)
2. Perspective is KEY to the reactions we create
Yes, that’s right, I said ‘create’, and for good reason. Here’s what I mean. Let’s say three people are furloughed from the same company. A few months later, that business cannot afford to keep all its staff on furlough anymore and all three unfortunately lose their jobs. One person thinks, ok this is rubbish but you know what, I can’t change the situation so I’m just going to do what I can with it, I’ve wanted to change jobs for a while so let’s see what’s out there. (Remember, not every business went under so there ARE still opportunities out there for people that are really motivated/determined to find them – supermarkets like Aldi and Tesco as well as food packers and suppliers, Amazon warehouses and much more, all ramped up their recruitment in the early days to deal with the huge surges in demand).
The second person is angry, absolutely raging at how unfair all this is, getting cross at their (former) employer for not keeping them on and for getting rid of people that they argue they are more experienced/better than. And the last person starts to create loads of really negative, depressed feelings, thinking they were obviously rubbish at the job as that’s why they were chosen to be let go first, their self-esteem plummets and even if they apply for other roles, they simply expect to be rejected from them or to perform badly at interviews.
The same situation, but three totally different reactions. How is that possible?? Because the beliefs we have about the situations we face generate very different (helpful or unhelpful) reactions. And this is why the same things can happen to some people – like being in a car accident and getting life-changing injuries, being diagnosed with cancer, or having to ‘shield’ from the pandemic for months – and yet the reactions can be vastly different. So, getting perspective is key to toning down some of those beliefs. For example, why would you give yourself a hard time for losing your job when it’s clearly not through any fault of your own? Why would you be angry at your boss when it’s not really their fault either and they are probably losing their own livelihood too? Any if I don’t like the current situation, what am I going to actually DO to move myself out of it?
So look for perspective, mind out for any really extreme language and don’t let that inner critic win ;)
3. Allow yourself to feel things!
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard people excusing their feelings because ‘other people are worse off’, ‘I should be handling this better’, or ‘I’m always such a positive person, I don’t know what’s wrong with me?!’ ALL of this is the inner critic I mentioned above. You’re allowed to not like the current situation, you’re allowed to feel tired and overworked from trying to juggle parenting with working from home, you’re allowed to feel a bit worried if you’ve been impacted financially. So cut yourself some slack, and try to make sure you are boosting yourself up, not pulling yourself down.
And remember - just because another Mum/co-worker/friend seems to be handling things better, that doesn’t mean you therefore aren’t. We all experience things differently and one person’s way of coping with the situation might be different to another’s, that’s why comparing never helps! (I mean, there’s around 7.8 BILLION people on earth, if you really wanted to go down that track I’m pretty sure you could ALWAYS find someone who is doing a something better/ faster/ easier than you…!!). Just because nurses and doctors wear masks all the time, doesn’t mean you have to like wearing them, but you can at least put it in perspective and understand that whilst it’s uncomfortable it’s a protective measure to keep people safe so you can tolerate it for short periods of time.
4. Perfectionism is a real nightmare for our wellbeing
If you think I’m a bit nuts for suggesting this one, just think for a minute… Know any parents annoyed with themselves for not being able to do the same work as a classroom teacher, WHILST trying to juggle a job, AND keep their kids quiet on the Zoom meetings too?! Know any people that think they should be coping better, should have ‘achieved more’ with the time in lockdown, or their kids should be better behaved during work hours?!
Yup, that’s perfectionism. And it tears people to shreds! Perfectionism is not about things being perfect, neat and tidy all the time (as I explained in an article a few years ago). That’s just a misconception. It’s actually about somebody with incredibly high standards for themselves who overreacts to any perceived error, let down or failure, blaming themselves intensely and telling themselves they should have done better, should have seen it coming etc.
Problem is, this attitude just makes you feel guilty, annoyed with yourself, and down almost 24/7. So stop it!! Life isn’t about getting things perfectly right all the time, sometimes we have better days and sometimes we don’t do so well – and realising that that is normal and ok is the key to beating this pesky way of thinking!
5. Learning to get a ‘realistic appraisal’ is really important
This one is really as simple as it sounds, and the best example is a pilot called Jim Stockdale, who was shot down during the Vietnam War, then captured and tortured (along with many others) with no immediate end in sight. When he returned home he was asked whether it was the optimists that survived. His answer? No – it was the REALISTS. It’s no good having an eternally optimistic reaction to everything because what happens when life keeps throwing curveballs your way?? There needs to be some realism with the current situation you find yourself facing, along with the knowledge that you can deal with it, in order to feel calm and resolute to tolerate it and get out the other side of it. (Thrive Programme CEO Rob Kelly explains more about Stockdale in this Facebook video back in May).
The pandemic has been very interesting for that – so many people saying ‘why didn’t China fix it when they could’, ‘why haven’t people been more diligent’, ‘why are workplaces trying to return staff if it isn’t necessary’, etc. And then the inevitable, ‘lockdown will be over soon’, ‘we can socialise together soon’, ‘I can see my kids/grandparents for Christmas this year.’ And yet, that may not be the situation you find yourself in. So, get a realistic look at where we are, and what might be the next 6 or 12 months, and then start dealing with that instead!
I guarantee you’ll feel more calm and powerful when you shift from trying to overcontrol things beyond your control (and over-reacting when that doesn’t work) and instead just saying, right whatever life throws at us we can handle it, we’ve got this
6. News coverage needs to be put in perspective
Remember – news is exactly that. NEWS. So the most ‘newsworthy’ items, the biggest ‘sellers’, are always the things in the press (a former client of mine who was a journalist wrote a fantastic article explaining this in more detail). And right now, you could probably switch on the TV and watch Coronavirus- related programmes almost all of the day. But is that going to be HELPFUL? Are the big news reports about deaths and the virus spreading, if you fill maybe 2 or 3 hours a day with them, going to help you to feel powerful and in control? Or are they going to make you feel scared and wanting to hide away from going outside? So, be proactive! Watch what you need to watch, and then FILTER OUT the rest. In the same way that what you put into your body determines how healthy and strong you are, what you put into your mind does the same. So choose wisely, and make smarter choices about what you choose to watch/read! It only takes a few minutes each day to keep up to date with the news and what changes will affect you – so is watching more than that helpful?
7. We are not in control of what other people do or don’t do
Just as I mentioned in the earlier point about control, we can’t control what other people choose to do. But we ARE in control of how we CHOOSE to react to them. When we believe that people not following lockdown rules ‘makes us’ angry, ‘makes us’ upset, ‘makes us’ isolate and hide away, we are giving away the control of our actions and emotions to (unpredictable) others, just the same way that people can say that the virus ‘MADE’ them depressed – even if they didn’t actually have it! Take back control of your thinking and understand that it’s how we REACT to events, not what physically happens in the world or what other people are doing, that determines our reaction.
Why is that so important?? Simple. Because if events, people, lockdown etc. make us depressed – well, we don’t take any responsibility for it, and therefore we don’t feel we have any power to fix it. So until those ‘things’ change or end entirely, we will continue to create depressed thoughts. Once you realise it’s within your power to change your reaction…well, you’re back in control of your mind again.
8. Loneliness and isolation really does affect us – but here’s a big reason WHY
Whenever I ask clients with anxiety when it appears to be worse for them, they usually say the same thing – it gets worse at night. And when I ask them when it appears to be better, again it is often the same thing (apart from some notable exceptions like specific phobias or anxiety in social situations) – it’s when they are at work. What does this tell you about our anxious thoughts? Well, that we create more of them at night time when we have less going on to distract us (friends are offline, TV is winding down, your partner/kids are in bed), and that we create less of them when we are busy and occupied.
This is why the loneliness and isolation going on this year with enforced lockdowns has had consequences – NOT because of the lockdown itself, but because people have usually had less to distract themselves with, and less people to challenge when they have unhelpful thoughts or days! What’s the solution? Make a PLAN! Set a routine for the day, force yourself to stick to it, try to learn or do new things, get out for walks/exercise and a change of scenery, and make sure you are watching out again for that inner critic when you’re alone or not as distracted.
9. It’s ok to do/think things differently to others!
This sounds like a strange thing to have to point out, but I’ve heard a lot of clients and former clients struggle with this recently so here goes…! Just because other parents (or kids) are thinking in an unhelpful way, doesn’t mean you have to agree, or do the same…! I had a parent client of mine recently say that she was considering not sending her child back to nursery as her and her husband are both in the highly vulnerable category and have been shielding, but other parents were making comments about her choices and she felt pressured to change her mind. (Thrive Programme Coach Lucy Wood wrote a great article recently about powerful parenting).
Apart from really getting her to look at whether her choice was a genuinely rational one with lots of perspective, or informed by a lot of panic and media hype about possible risks, my question was this – why are other people’s decisions determining yours? Other parents have different considerations! Health and care workers had no choice, they had to send their kids back so they could get to work. Does that make their choice – or the parents who couldn’t send theirs back – any worse? No, it makes them DIFFERENT choices.
You don’t need everybody around you to agree with your choice to make it a choice that you’re happy with, which fits with what you as an individual and a family needs, and which keeps you safe. Once you start sticking to your guns with decisions, rather than changing them constantly depending on what the neighbour, colleague, dentist or supermarket worker thinks about your choice, then you instantly feel more powerful. After all, there are people who still GENUINELY believe that the Earth is flat despite a huge amount of information to the contrary…! I don’t agree with their choice but I’m not going to let their choice ruin my day and I’m fairly sure they don’t let my opinion ruin theirs either!
10. Blips, or little ‘bumps in the road’, in how we are feeling are ok!
There have been a few ex-clients of mine who have had a little wobble recently, and asked for a quick chat on the phone. It often doesn’t take long to get back on track, even 10 or 20 minutes for some!! But many have put off ringing me for 3, 4, even 6 months or so, because they’ve been embarrassed to be struggling. What I always say to them is – it’s ok to be having a blip, but you either choose to be embarrassed and drown in it, or you take control and say, right I’m going to reach out and do something about this because I don’t want to feel like this anymore! Guess who feels better quicker…? ;)
Remember as well that it takes effort when you first go through the Thrive Programme, to really learn and apply the programme properly. But part of that effort also requires understanding our own individual ‘potholes’, and making sure that we take as much preventative action as possible, and put effort in, to use those tools to either avoid the potholes, or to reach out and be prepared to work again to get out of them if we do fall in them! It’s not a failure, it’s not something to be embarrassed about – it’s a part of learning to move forwards from blips and use them as fuel and something to learn more about our mental health from!
11. Most importantly – people can surprise us.
I read a funny fridge magnet quote recently that said ‘I thought I had a handle on life, but it broke.’ This is what I see unfolding this year since the start of the pandemic – people that seemed to have their s*** together, suddenly didn’t. And that’s all down to thinking. It’s actually pretty easy to be thriving and happy when life is going well – who wouldn’t be happy on a beach in Barbados with a cocktail in their hand, for example?! But when life gets tough, that’s when good thinking is absolutely key, so it’s no surprise that a number of people have suddenly been really struggling. The most important thing to remember is – this isn’t forever, things will get better, but if you’re feeling overwhelmed, anxious or depressed right now, now is the best time to get some help with learning to think well, so that in the future you can confidently navigate ANY crisis that comes your way.
Remember as well that – as I mentioned in the media section – the news at the moment is overwhelmingly negative. But you can choose to applaud the positives too, such as the weekly ‘Clap for the NHS’ that saw millions unite to thank health and care workers for their contribution, the thousands of nurses and doctors that came out of retirement to return to the frontline (and the many student doctors that started hospital placements months early to help out), hundreds of thousands of people that signed up for NHS Volunteering, Samaritans, or to local volunteering services to help vulnerable residents, the many free online global music concerts and comedy sessions to keep us entertained in lockdown… And of course who can forget the incredible Captain Tom Moore, who aged 100 years old walked laps of his garden with a zimmer frame to raise money for the NHS (the total now stands at over £32 million!!). So, the visible news might be bleak and bad, but there are also good things happening every day too, depending on what you choose to focus on :)
On a personal note, after this year I now know more about my neighbours (and speak to them more) than I ever did – and that’s one big POSITIVE for me, and I’m sure for many others too. I’m also sure that many people will be grateful in ways they never were before for returning to offices and having people around them, once life starts to return to normal. So seeing that some things that have changed for the better – as well as the opposite – is really important for getting some balance in our mental wellbeing.
I hope these 11 tips have been useful for you – please, please do share to anyone that you know is having a hard time at the moment, our minds are probably the most important organs in our bodies and with another lockdown approaching, a little training to use them for the better is only a good thing!
And remember – help is out there for those that would like it. Find yourself a Licensed Thrive Programme Coach like myself through the online search tool, buy the book online HERE and browse some of our online course offerings too, if you want to start making positive steps forward with your own mental wellbeing. It’s been a tough year for many, but with the right effort, trust me when I say that things can start to feel better :)