Talking Body Image: Why We Really Strive For Perfection In Our Looks

I’m going to level with you all here. The reason I’m even writing this blog is out of pure and utter frustration. Frustration through scrolling through Instagram and seeing picture after picture after picture of ‘perfect’, sculpted, photo-shopped bodies (note the absence of smiling faces in many of them), the growing slew of ‘love your curves’ quotes (which just reinforce the idea that your body and image is important, even if you decide that the exact ‘size’ isn’t), and the onslaught of celebrities selling the idea that beauty and happiness go hand in hand. So I want to explore this in more detail!

The changing, illogical nature of the ‘ideal’ body

We all think that we know what an ideal body is. But I want to emphasise just how much of it is a) ever-changing and evolving, and b) socially constructed rather than ‘real’. These days, fat shaming is still pretty common, and people who are larger are deemed to be ‘unattractive’ and many other horrible words that I won’t bother repeating. But go back to the days of Henry VIII and it was actually FASHIONABLE to be large, almost obese, because eating lots was a sign of wealth and status. Many portraits from those days feature fatter ladies, and they were idolised by society. It’s almost unthinkable now, but only because fashion, and social ideals, have shifted so much since then. 

In Marilyn Monroe’s time, curves were the ideal. Her size (UK 14) is now 2 or 3 sizes above what many people aspire to be to feel ‘approved of’ and have an ‘ideal body’. In the sixties and seventies it was increasingly about being taller and thinner (think of people like Goldie Hawn and Twiggy), then further down the track the even thinner kind of waif-like look without an ounce of fat on the body, where models were actually fainting/dying on catwalks because they were so undernourished. In those days people would have liposuction to remove fat. These days, people are actually having implants in their breasts and bums to go the opposite, to look curvier and plumper (think Kim Kardashian and Blac Chyna). It’s like trying to chase a train that keeps changing direction – it’s hard to focus on the destination when it changes every 5 minutes. And if you believe the destination itself is the thing that makes you happy, you’re never going to get there because you’re always having to change trajectory. We’ve never really taught people to just create the best physical versions of themselves, based on their own body size and proportions, to just be happy and comfortable with that, and (crucially) to tolerate imperfections. 

When you look outside of our western culture, the narrative changes again. Whereas we self-tan, in Asian cultures it is more fashionable and ‘beautiful’ to be paler, and people actively try to do that. We glorify breasts as a sign of sexuality and attractiveness, but in other cultures, they are far less important and certainly not so revered. In Western cultures, people show off their bodies in magazines, but last year, when the new Middle Eastern Vogue was launched and half-Palestinian model Gigi Hadid graced the first cover of it, she was covered up and wore a headscarf, because beauty there is valued in more modest dressing. In many countries, tattoos are highly fashionable and even acceptable in workplaces, but were once considered trashy and covered up at work. Fashions change, and without a strong internal sense of self, we end up changing ourselves with them.

Men are not immune from this either – growing male ideals of having a perfectly sculpted physique, groomed (but not ‘too’ groomed because that’s obviously ‘not manly’), well-dressed, toned and tanned… more and more we are defining people by their image, not what’s underneath. What’s important to remember though is that the beauty ideals we all strive for are total, fluid, social constructs. They change all the time, they vary depending on where you live, and most of all, they aren’t REAL, they are what we IMAGINE beauty is, at that time, in that place.

Why do we so badly want to look a certain way?

The question is, even knowing that these body ideals are a cultural and social construct (as many do), we still idealise them and strive to achieve them. But when you think about it, why exactly DO we want to have that kind of body and to look a more ‘perfect’ way? Humans are naturally inclined to do things where they believe they’ll get something out of it, right? You’re not going to walk into a burning building just for fun, because you know you’ll get burned. But if a loved one was trapped inside, you’d be more inclined to go in because there’s a gain to doing so. In the same way, you’d be more tempted to say yes to doing a marathon if you knew you’d get a million quid at the end of it, because visualising the reward would motivate you. So again my question is, why do we all WANT the ideal body? What do we believe we’ll get out of it? (If we didn’t, we simply wouldn’t bother would we?!).

Well for a start, I bet if we all took a survey, the majority of people would instantly believe (note the word BELIEVE, not KNOW) that ‘prettier’ people with an ‘ideal body shape’ are happier in general. Not just happier with themselves, but also that they are more likely to have happier lives, to find a wonderful good-looking partner to share it with, to have the marriage, family and 2.4 children, to be better liked and approved of by others, to have a buzzing social life and nice friends to share it with, to have more money, better career opportunities (because in that mindset looking good in a suit is clearly more valuable than what you DO in that job…), etc. etc… 

So if you reverse that psychology; if you DO believe all that, then naturally if you DON’T have those things (or don’t have ‘enough’ of them) you going to conclude that a) those things will MAKE you happy, and that b) you need to start to change the way you look to fit society’s ‘ideals’ in order to be happier. So then the focus becomes ‘how good do I look’, ‘how do I compare to everybody else’, ‘will my partner love me more if I lose some weight’, ‘will I make more friends and fit in better if I’m skinnier or prettier’, etc. Because we want the happiness at the end of it. Now, sometimes this CAN happen, people CAN feel better about themselves when they lose weight or change their appearance. But that’s NOT actually because of how they look, it’s because they’ve dulled down the critical voice in their head about their appearance for a bit because they ‘approve’ of themselves and their own appearance a bit more.

Thing is, this supposed link between appearance/the perfect body and happiness/high self-esteem simply isn’t true. If it WAS true, as an organisation, all of our Thrive Programme clients with low self-esteem and poor self-image would be the ones who didn’t fit the image ‘ideal’. And rich, beautiful celebrities would be full of happiness and self-esteem, never once troubled by body issues, eating disorders, or low self esteem. Neither of these scenarios have materialised, because body size, appearance, or ‘prettiness’ don’t give us an automatic free pass to happiness, success, and peace of mind. Once we realise happiness and approval comes from within, and learn how to build that ourselves regardless of whether our bodies match up to everyone else’s, the way we look has far less impact on the way we feel.

Building self-esteem that doesn’t rely on solely your appearance

So what’s the solution? It’s hugely important to understand how to build positive, internal, stable self-esteem based on you, ALL of you, imperfections and all! I found a brilliant Instagram feed set up by body activist Jameela Jamil called @I_weigh where people are encouraged to ‘weigh themselves’ by their achievements and qualities, rather than a size or a number on a scale (I’d highly recommend checking it out!). If you’re ready to start looking at yourself in a new way and build lasting self-esteem and want some help, get in touch with me!